


The way I love you.

by Enfys23



Series: Love? Nah I'm just ill. [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Raphael Santiago, Blood Drinking, F/M, Fix-It, Hurt Simon Lewis, M/M, Raphael Santiago Has Feelings, Simon-centric, Songfic, Vampire Simon Lewis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 10:55:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13246737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enfys23/pseuds/Enfys23
Summary: Simon is with Clary but it's not right. It's not the way he thought it would be and it just makes him miss Raphael even more because everything is about him. Every thought, every memory and he can't get him out





	The way I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing one of my favorite OTPs.  
> And first time writing fanfictions in a long time.

Being with Clary was easy. She was all Simon ever knew. First his best friend when she saved him from the bullies in primary school when they made fun of him for his big glasses, his curly hair and his too wide superhero shirts. Afterwards when puberty hit he thought she was his first love. She was always by his side and he was always by her side. Even after she got thrown into the shadowworld he followed her.  
Even after he got turned into a vampire and had Raphael he was always there. Even when he fell for Raphael he thought he was more in love with her.  
When they discovered Jace was her brother and couldn't be her lover he was excited at least he thought he was.  
And now? Clary was his girlfriend and it was easy. No fight, nothing. Just them being them with kisses and everything. He could see how Jace watched her, hurt and love in his eyes. How Izzy watched them with anger in her eyes.  
After everything Clary still knew what to say to make him feel a bit better. "You are still human." "We will be forever."

_She is sensible and_  
_So incredible and_  
_All my other friends are jealous_  
_She says everything I need to hear_

But something about it feels wrong. Everything was like Simon ever wished it would be. They had their night adventures in his Van, just driving around, talking, listening to music.  
But even though it was everything he thought he wanted it was wrong.  
It was not Clary he wished to see when he fell asleep. He didn't want her saying he was handsome and that she loves him. Everything should be right but it wasn't.

_And it's like I couldn't ask for anything better_  
_I open up her door_  
_And she gets into my car_  
_And she says you look handsome tonight_  
_And I feel perfectly fine_

But Simon missed Raphael, he missed him like he missed the sunshine, like he missed his mum, like he missed breathing in the beginning after he got turned.Loving and being with Clary wasn't what he expected it to be. It was sunshine and he didn't want that anymore.  
He couldn't sleep because he remembered waking up at night, Raphael already waiting for him at the door with a smirk and a cup of warm blood in his hand. A kindness. He remembered training with Raphael, angry fighting which turned to argueing when the weeks passed. Days that weren't spent alone anymore. Early nights that began with kisses and promises.  
Being in love with Raphael was thunderstorms and a clear night where you can see every star. And he missed him so bad, loved him so much.

_But I miss argueing and fighting_  
_And kissing in the dark_  
_And it's 2 pm and I'm cursing your name_  
_You're so in love that you act insane_  
_And that's the way I love you_

His cheeks were bloodstreaked during the day. Thinking about Raphael, cursing himself for not seeing it.  
Loving Clary was drinking wine and laughing.  
But loving Raphael was drinking each others blood and being so high on love that he couldn't feel anything else. Just them and their love.  
He never thought he'd fall that fast and hard for someone that wasn't her. He never thought he could love someone even more.

_Breakin' down and coming undone_  
_It's a blood high_  
_Kinda rush_  
_And I never knew I could feel that much_  
_And that's the way I love you_

Clary was.. nice. They were still best friends in a way.  
They had their movie nights, bar nights, coffee dates that were now at night too. They visited Luke together. Went to comic shops that were still open after the sun set. But she also was okay when he told her he needed a night for himself. She wouldn't pressure him into letting her visit.  
They talked about her art, about her mum, about what being a shadowhunter entitles. They'd gossip about people they both knew and they would talk about what they missed from their mundane life.  
But they'd never talk about his time at the Dumort.  
Even though she had her shadowhunterduties now she would come over when she told him she would. Even if it meant skipping important meetings.

_She respects my space_  
_And never makes me wait_  
_And she visits exactly when she says she will_

Meeting the parents wouldn't be awkward.  
His mother already knew and loved Clary. His sister adored her because they could gossip and Clarys mum, Jocelyn, already loved him too. Luke, who was like a father to Clary even though in reality it was Valentine, also loved him.  
There were no obstacled in the way.  
Everything was so easy and it was comfortable not having to worry about anything.

_She's close to my mother_  
_Talks bullshit with my sister_  
_She's funny and endearing and I'm Comfortable_

But it wasn't the all consuming thing with sparks and everything. It wasn't screaming at each other because both are too set in their way, too sure they are right. It wasn't training in a sunproof room and watching how he threw punch after punch, how he told him to work with his enhanced senses and standing right there next to him whispering small nothings while Simon should concentrate on the radio. It just wasn't the right thing. It wasn't what Simon wanted.  
Days and nights went by. Days always spent too awake, too much thinking about him. Thinking about love.

_But I miss argueing and fighting_  
_And kissing in the dark_  
_And it's 2 pm and I'm cursing your name_  
_You're so in love that you act insane_  
_And that's the way I love you_

Thinking and crying. Crying and thinking. Missing. The first time he bit Simon. The first time they kissed. The first time Simon bit him and when the first drop of blood hit his tongue he thought he knew all the answers.  
But he forgot. He didn't care enough. And now days are just for thinking and missing. Not enough, never enough.

_Breakin' down and coming undone_  
_It's a blood high_  
_Kinda rush_  
_And I never knew I could feel that much_  
_And that's the way I love you_

Clary would never be enough. Not after he knew Raphael. Not when he loves him so much.  
He still asks himself why she can't see he was faking his happiness. How she can't see the red rimmed eyes. Maybe just maybe she felt the same.  
They were at a downworlder coffee shop when he first looked right at her after weeks, weeks of pretending. And what he saw broke his heart, red rimmed eyes, paleness, heartbreak in her eyes.  
"Clary I..." he began but his voice breaks. He cleared his throat, trying to get the words out. A small sad smile appeared on her face and understanding in her eyes. Simon closed his eyes and tried again. "I can't do this. I thought it was right." He paused, taking a shaking breath he didn't need anymore but it calmed him anyway. "I thought it was everything I ever wanted but you are not... him. And I am.. not Jace."  
They were both crying when he finished. But they also knew he was right. They thought they were what they needed, what was right. But love isn't about what is right and what is wrong. Its about falling. Crashing. Feeling.

_She can't see the smile I'm faking_  
_And my heart's not breaking_  
_Cause I'm not feeling anything at all_

He didn't fall for sunshine. And she didn't fall for the moon.  
Simon fell for thunderstorms, brown eyes, a cross around a neck, a soft voice waking him up during a nightmare. Spanish curses and pet names. Sarcastic and cold with so much love and warmth underneath. Kind words when Simon cried. Trust when they fell asleep and woke up together.  
And he destroyed it. Because he let the shadowhunters free Camille. Because he let them come into their home.

_And you were cold and crazy_  
_Just so frustrating intoxicating_  
_Complicated, got away by my betrayel and now_

Because he thought his love for Clary was so much more. Because he thought Clary was worth it. He destroyed his own life thinking he was doing the right thing, choosing the right person.  
Before he knew what he's doing he's standing in front of the Dumort, watching and waiting. Waiting and watching. Hoping. But maybe he shouldn't hope. He shouldn't have come.  
But every other thought ended abruptly as the door opened and the person he wanted to see most during the last two months stands there. He just stood there in his pressed slacks and his button down watching and waiting.  
Minutes passed and neither of them said anything.  
Raphael sighed annoyed, a frown on his face and his voice cold, nearly cutting. "Dios what do you want here? Does your redhead need anything else?"  
Simon looked down at his hands and shook his head. Suddenly not knowing what he was doing. Why was he here? Words weren't enough for how sorry he was, for how much he loved Raphael. It would never be enough. Because it was his fault.  
He swallowed around the lump in his throat, still looking at his hands. "I'm sorry I chose her when I should have chosen all of you. Especially you. I thought I was so in love with her even while I fell for you."

_I miss argueing and fighting and kissing in the dark_  
_It's 2pm and I'm cursing your name_  
_I thought I was in love with her and acted insane_  
_Although it was you_

Simon wasn't finished. It wasn't everything he had to say but he couldn't not with Raphael so close. He took a few steps back, looking around, looking at everything except Raphael. "When I left it felt like something broke. There was Clary, trying to help, while trying her hardest to fall out of love with her brother and trying to fall for me. And me trying to tell myself that she's enough. That I'm not crying in the daytime and not sleeping because I miss you." His voice broke and bloody tears started to fall. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Raphael taking a few steps out of the door in his direction but he couldn't stop now. He paced up and down, his hands wiping away the tears, griping his hair, somehow grounding him. "I was trying to tell myself that I'm not so in love with you that it's killing me. She is sunshine but I don't want to be with someone that remembers me every day of something I can't have. You are thunderstorms and all the stars and I broke up with her. Because it killed both of us to pretend that it was enough."

_Breaking down and coming undone_  
_It's a blood high_  
_kinda rush_  
_And I never knew I could feel that much_  
_And that's the way I love you oh, oh_

With the last word spoken Simon stopped pacing and finally looked up to see Raphael standing in front of him. Face vulnerable and insecure and hurt all of a sudden. So much hurt. He never wanted him to suffer, never thought it could ache so bad to see someone this way.  
Raphaels hand came up and he braced himself for bruises and flinched back but became rigid as he just touched Simons cheek as if he was something fragile. Stroking across the tear stains.  
"I want to trust you. But I don't think I can, at least not right away. But we have time." The voice was soft, so soft. There could be forgiveness. Something Simon never thought he would deserve. Not after what he did. New tears started to fall. Suffocating him even though he didn't need to breathe. Aching, shaking with the intensity of the knowledge that there might be forgiveness. That things could be right again. That love wasn't lost.  
"Come home. We can try to work this out carinõ."  
More tears and suddenly he was in Raphaels arms, shaking, muttering apologies, clinging to him. Because he was there and he was safe and he didn't hate him and they could work this out. And everything could be okay again.

_And that's the way I love you oh, oh_  
_Never knew I could feel that much_  
_And that's the way I love you_

Loving someone isn't always easy. It's fighting and falling and crashing. But it's also forgiving and soft words. It's promises and early night whispers. Its early morning kisses. Love isn't the soft feeling of sunshine. Its thunderstorms and aching. It's moonshine and stars and everything in between.

**Author's Note:**

> Song is 'The way I loved you' by Taylor Swift.
> 
> I changed the lyrics to make it suitable.


End file.
